Mood:Melancholy…I want Peter and Quita
Song of Choice: “Sympathy” by the Goo Goo Dolls
Topic: Rhapsody of Betrayal

I feel confused. I mean I hate to do this stupid teenager I like a boy thing because I know I’m smarter than that but I have to think it through and the best way for me to do it is to write about it. Today at lunch Joni was looking for Patrick this boy she’s been hunting after for like geeze a month and I was kinda chillin and then I saw Keith and my reaction was really weird. I smiled and blushed and giggled and was genuinely happy like the way I got when I saw Peter…but different. I flirted without shame and he and I hugged and laughed and he picked me up and spun me around then I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes trying to figure out what color they were and he just stared back down at me and later I played with his shaggy hair and he told me how nice it felt and we just sat together enjoying each others company and I could not stop smiling at him and I know I must have been blushing.

Then later Joel was smiling and laughing and acting happier than I’d ever seen him and then in this knowing way he asked me if I liked him. I stopped and thought about the question and examined my feelings and I fessed up I told Joel Yeah in this odd kinda way. Joel smiled and he said you can tell…I like the way you look like that….wish it was me. He looked happy but sad at the same time. He just kinda let it go but didn’t really look at me anymore. ..I think I hurt him and he was trying to hide it.

It felt weird because…well I only got that way with Angel and I kinda feel bad that I got that way with another guy. I mean God knows he’s had his share of women and I don’t know I haven’t had my share of boys you know? I haven’t allowed myself. Then with Keith it’s weird it’s like for a span of 20 minutes in my day I have someone you know not like I’m all alone like I always seem to be. It’s strange.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m giving myself permission to have a crush. I don’t know why but I am. I have no idea if he has a girlfriend and to tell the truth I don’t care. I’m fine alone I just…I need someone…you know…I think the people reading this like Peter, Liz and Quita especially understand. I mean I kinda feel guilty but…why should I you know? Angel has had like 10 girlfriends in the span of like 2 years me you wanna know how many 0 that’s how many. I think I should be allowed to have a freakin’ crush on a boy right?

Oh God how pathetic…someone for the love of God please give me some affirmation or at least a honest opinion I don’t care if you bad mouth me just tell me why okay? Quita I would like your opinion especially.